Real Life

2012-02-04T11:58:00.000-08:00

when your soul comes pouring out
and i am the bucket and you are the spout
i'll soon be over flowing
thats for sure

when youre head
goes rolling free
and your arms are outstretched, headless your graspin for me
i'll be far away where you always wanted me

and this tide is rising
and we're playing in this sand
you didn't even notice when you lost your own hand
your head is the cloud
in which it used to be wrapped
and are we playing prison
or are we really trapped?

2012-02-03T00:08:00.001-08:00

Door after door,Satellite dishes
Shadows rearrange and snake up the wall

An imitation sun blinds

A lonely ice box stares behind a glass wall

2011-12-26T01:17:00.000-08:00

I live in a world where telephone wires blot out the sky
interrupted constellations seem to beg for mercy
for without my perception they exist- not at all

following the sun, they whisper to each other
spreading the news of armageddon

reality chokes behind a wall of television screens

Intifada

2011-12-13T15:09:00.000-08:00

'Intifada'

Arabic for

A 'Shaking Off'

Like I'll shake off the dead weight I carry in my heart

Like the world will shake us out of existence

When you're down on your knees

And police litter the streets like so many fleas

When the world is a toilet

and the time has come

Intifada

Material Grip

2011-12-13T00:51:00.000-08:00

I thought about this blog and got sad that I haven't written in a few days

I wrote a song this weekend

The two sides of my brain are at war

one side keeps dragging me back to your door

the other side keeps telling me to leave

I've been telling myself things you wouldn't believe

I want to tell you somethin' true

but I don't know me,

and I don't know you

I'm fixing to go to outerspace

where there ain't no happiness to chase

where I can scream and nobody will hear

and no one to reaffirm my biggest fear

So that's that, I'll add more to it most likely.

I'm struggling still to find my place, my path, I don't know exactly whether to head north or south.. and that's naturally a problem

because I've got to start moving, soon.

A ball of gas once said

that he was looking down on me,

and I realized then

that stars can only tell the truth.

no matter how old that light,

no matter how many lightyears it's been swimming through space,

it won't stop

until we figure out what it is.

2011-12-07T12:47:00.001-08:00

Spider,

though I cringe at the sight of you

though your legs send shivers down my spine

I exist for you, and you for me

without each other

we would not be

attach//detach

2011-12-06T12:26:00.001-08:00

There's something about this mess..

I secretly enjoy when my room is an a messy state, as it is now

clothes strewn across the floor, desk completely jumbled with dishes, candles, things that I don't even know are there,

It holds potential

I love doing the massive clean up, because I find things I've been looking for
Sure it would be more convenient to just know where they are all the time
but then there's not that little spark of excitement that I get when I discover a lost item

many times I forget the item was even lost.

I can never bring myself to hang up clothes after i've taken them off - I don't know why

I have so much STUFF
JUST ALL THESE THINGS!

I want to rid myself of all these material possesions, I need a lesson in detachment,
but I'm very attached to these physical objects.

Objects hold such strong memories, they're a physical chunk of a time in my life.
Like scars that remind me of something, these things let me know that the past actually happened.
But in the end, that's what I'm trying to overcome
this obsession with the past, with my personal past

I want to stop desiring to live in a younger time.

The funny thing is, I've never really been that happy at any one time
In the present I wish that I could exist in times that weren't even much better

you see the past through rose-tinted glasses they say, and how true it is

every wave of nostalgia is an ache

I'm being pulled simultaneously into the past and toward the future
I think that's why the pain arises
I'm being stretched too thin

I am the lock

2011-12-05T18:33:00.001-08:00

Hot tea, jumbled conversations, the click of calculator keys

laughter, books, walls around me...

I love the library. There's nowhere for my mind to go,
cause the only thing one does here is study,
I don't feel distracted.

I me mine,
today I was really focused on letting go, and I think I realized that's what is hindering me.
I have trouble letting go, forgiving.
Acknowledging that the things in the past, are the past, and there isn't really any reason to go there-
especially when the memories cause me pain.
How ridiculous it is, how incredible,
that we can be one place, but take ourselves elsewhere without moving a muscle!
But being here, and being content with 'here' is what will save me

I gotta forgive everyone, everything, especially myself!
oh how badly I need to forgive myself!
Just as I always think to myself I create my future in the present-
if I spend the present thinking of the past, my future is built on weak foundations

awareness is the key,

hm, am I the lock?

One math homework assignment down: success.

Motivation

2011-12-04T11:15:00.001-08:00

Or lack there of.

My desire to do anything slowly dissolves into thick air.

Rising up away from me.

I'm one step away from staring at a wall,

and wondering what happened.

Internet games, doughnuts, feet dragging through the day

I desire nothing, except for a desire to move

no vigor, no passion, no life inside this skin

or maybe my fire is sleeping

2011-12-03T12:50:00.001-08:00

Walkin' thru this town I'm dragging my feet through mud.

I don't usually get queasy at the sight of blood,

but this time it's different, it's not blood from you or me,

it's the blood of a weak and dying dog named liberty.

it's the blood of Jesus, the blood of Ghandi, of Martin Luther King

the blood of the Buddha, the blood of Mother Earth, the Blood of God

the blood of a past nation, of a dead dove

2011-12-02T13:17:00.001-08:00

This cat loves to climb.

If he sees a way he can get higher off the ground,

oh man, watch out.

He's about to do this crazy series of leaps off furniture and land perfectly on the top of the piano.

BAM!

perfect execution.

I find myself asking, while watching him rub against the chair and meow at me;

"what do you even want to do?"

as if he must want to do something,

but then I realize that he doesn't want to do anything.

He's just living,

Chillin'.

7 days a week, 24 hours a day.

I wish I was a cat.

2011-12-02T11:00:00.001-08:00

A blog that I enjoy made a post about writing everyday around the same time...
I don't feel the need to explain more but I'll do it, or try to.
It is a very common thing for me to try and start something, like a 30 day thing, and not make it past the 3rd day. I'm very forgetful.

There's the sort of music that is soul enchanting, and once you discover it I don't see how you can be content listening to anything else. People who listen to loud, hard music. Such rough textured music, so invasive and abrupt. I'm for the music that reaches in, gently slides down your throat and into your heart. Grips your insides. It's often startling, because maybe you didn't know it was possible for music to affect you like this. A feeling similar to choking, if choking was a great thing. You're moved. I think that terminology is so accurate, being 'moved'. When I feel that way, it's as if my heart jumped a few inches forward, and I have to shift the rest of my body to catch up. Totally, literally moved.
I think music affects you like this when you get a sense, a very clear feeling of the artist's emotion . You can taste their tears right underneath yours. Their fingernails look a lot like yours.

What if you have everything that you desire, and yet still feel discontent? My textbook answer is to work towards enlightenment, where I can experience peace, but it is so much harder than it sounds. YOU try sitting still with your thoughts, seriously, try. I know I need practice, I just would rather be DOING things. And I know that's the problem.